~Sabia-Faolan

Hello there..

More then a year after my last entry..
Time´s passed fast..or slow..frankly i do not know.
Im now in a diffrent world, far away from The Netherlands.
Ive hit the 22nd year of my life and somewhat older and wiser and more hurt.
I guess while being in my reflective mood after yesterday night finally imploding under all the pressure and litterally shutting down completly, ive now come to a moment where its time to think things over.. take a step back and sit down to take a good look at it..
At moments like this i wish my stephfather was still here with me..in my heart i carry him but sadly not next to me.
Moments where you start to make lifedeciding descisions are scarey.. are confusing..
Ive been making them from a far to young age out of nessecity but not out of free will.
My well of ever positive is slowly running dry.. and a more calmer more reserved look on life is coming forward..am i maturing?
Will the scars of the past show? Of that im sure..im hurt will always be but im not sad..
Its just..there, like i used to to carry my heart on my sleeve.
In my mind i sit on the cold wintersbeach next to my Stephfather.. and have hour-long conversations with him.. but i cant hear the sound of those movies in my head.
At moments like that you realise how important parents are.. something where there is a more then Disturbing lack of in my life.
It left me scarred heavily and a bitterness for life, like a bad aftertaste in your mouth.
I hope someone in my head turns the volume up.
Im not sad.. but im deeply swimming in a sea of thought really.
care to swim with me? Be careful and dont drown. Even i while swimming have someone with me to pull me out of the water when i cannot hold myself up anymore..
Look Big Bear, im still here.. im still alive.
Will you come sit with me and talk for a while?